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Marriage for Dummies (Part II)
If she thanks you for randomly cleaning up, don’t say the apartment is being inspected later that day. Say, ‘Anything for you, my love’. ‘Anything for you, my love’ should always be the standby answer...
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Show me some frontal lobe
Good teeth, glossy black hair and a below-average BMI: believe it or not, there are people among us cursed with these traits. Victims of merciless gene pools and low carcinogen exposure, they have had...
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United, Take Two
I have recently become a year older. I must say, it really sucks to be a year closer to 30. This, of course, means that I am also a year closer to my ten-year high school reunion. I’m expecting a very...
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Nightmare on Aisle 5
“You have a nice ass.” Suddenly, the stimulating conversation with the cashier about loyalty cards no longer enthralled me. Someone more interesting was standing behind me in the queue. I wanted to...
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Thanks for babysitting
You can breathe a sigh of relief. Despite all the spiders, flying foxes and Eastern browns, I’m still alive and screaming. However, I have been forced to take a break. I am replenishing my body and...
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Opposites attract
New Year’s Day. My puffy eyes scan the faded green carpet rolled out for me. I take the $7 filtered water my host offers and I wonder if it can smell my 16-hour flight breath while stifling me in its...
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Trip my light fantastic
In early 2013, I stepped into WordPress. I spotted the big timers right away, gliding like Jesus would on water in their designer footwear, the sweat on their foreheads glittering like holy water in...
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Martha’s stepchild
Besides heights, bugs and yeast infections, I’m not scared of much. I have river rafted, survived Titanic and ingested airplane food. But there is something more terrifying than a bare public toilet...
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Up in smoke
I’m a good person. I recycle. I don’t punch people in their swimsuit areas. I try really hard not to call other drivers motherfuckers. I don’t always roll on the floor and wail when I don’t get the...
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When confetti gets in your eyes
I live with my husband on the banks of the Brisbane River. When he married the woman of his dreams five years ago, he was unaware that my pine-scented farts and hot meals were false advertising. Once...
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